Five ways to protect against coronavirus

Satire: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Nick Ulrich, Opinion Editor

Many WSC students are eager to leave Wayne as quickly as possible and go on a vacation, but the Coronavirus seems to threaten our idea of a fun and safe vacation. Before leaving for break, read these 5 simple tips to help you avoid Coronavirus during travel.

1-Carry Lysol Spray
Lysol spray has been preventing Coronavirus for years. Take a spray bottle with you everywhere you go and spray it on to your hands and face after going out in public. You can also spray it in your car, airplane or hotel room to be extra safe.

2-Only kiss close friends
I know it’s tempting to kiss everyone you come into contact with right on the lips, but during a virus like this, you have to be careful. Only kiss your very close friends and family on the lips and try to aim for the cheek for acquaintances. For people you’re meeting for the first time, perhaps a romantic peck on the neck would be more appropriate at this time.

3-Burn any and all dead bodies you come across
Usually, on vacation, we tend to ignore the mounds of dead bodies we come across. But during a time like this, dead bodies can be a catalyst for a dangerous virus. If you happen to stumble upon some bodies during your spring break, do yourself a favor and incinerate them to burn off any and all germs.

4-Only drink Ulrich-brand bottled water
Most of the tap water is currently infected with Coronavirus, and due to ineffective filtering standards, most bottled water is too. Only Ulrich-brand drinking water is quadruple filtered to allow you a safe drinking experience. Find it in your local grocery stores at the low-low price of $11.99 for four 16oz bottles. You can’t put a price on your health!

5-Have a positive attitude and keep praying
The easiest way to prevent a deadly disease is to use your brain. If you simply believe you’ll be okay, then you’ll be okay. Continue your nightly prayers to the Lord, including a small section about preventing yourself from being sick. The Flying Spaghetti Monster doesn’t let his chosen people get sick.

I wanted to end this here but our lawyers have informed me that some of you are still too stupid to understand this is satire. So here you go: This article is satire. It is a joke and not real. And now you can’t sue me for lying to you in a newspaper. Thanks for taking all the fun out of it.