I went vegan for a month and almost died

Meming with Nick

Nick Ulrich, Opinion Editor

I decided to give Veganuary a shot. All of my friends were talking about the health benefits and how I was a hypocrite for not going vegan, so I said “Why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

So I began my month-long journey toward moral superiority. It was going all fine and well for a while. I was missing cheese and pizza and, most importantly ice cream. I was missing my daily dose of fried eggs and the ability to make a cake that holds its form.

But it didn’t take long for danger to strike. I was having a vegan day. I had a bagel for breakfast and some seitan for lunch, and then BAM! My life flashed before my eyes. On my way to school, I was almost hit by a car. It drove right in front of me when I was crossing the street!

People assured me a vegan diet was safe, that there was no risk involved. But how is this possible? In less than a week since beginning my journey, I faced almost certain death if not for my cat-like reflexes that stopped me from walking into the street. I felt betrayed and lied too. This vegan diet was supposed to make me immune. I was supposed to be some sort of sad, angry superhero. But instead, I almost died.

I thought I had made it past all the danger, since I had gone past the first week and not died. I thought that my vegan month would be more beneficial than dangerous to me. But it didn’t take long for the dangers of an animal-free diet to once again strike.

I was sadly eating vegan rice cream in my apartment. I was angrily sipping on terrible whiskey in-between bites of whatever nonsense they pretend to be ice cream. It was like eating rice with syrup in it. It felt like I was already dying.

So I decided to go skateboarding and BAM! I hit a rock and went flying. Before I knew it, I was lying face-down on the sidewalk with a stream of blood from my nose. Once again, I was angry. This diet was supposed to be safer, that’s what all my vegan friends told me.

Needless to say, don’t believe what the vegans want to tell you. Going vegan won’t save you from death or make you immortal.
Make sure if you go vegan, that it’s healthy for you. It nearly killed me.