Worst freshmen in 128 years

Meming with Nick

Nick Ulrich, Columnist

If you’ve been noticing a sudden emptiness to campus this year, you’re not alone. A group of students who were expected to arrive for the 2019 fall semester seem to have either gone missing or never existed at all, as the admissions office boasts a record number of incoming freshmen at exactly zero.

No one has really discovered the mystery that leaves Wayne empty. With dozens of empty classroom chairs and a dining hall that now only features six lonely diners, sitting at opposite ends of the room and a group of 20 or so athletes that most people believe have been here for at least seven years, it’s safe to say that the city will seem quite different during the next couple months.

It’s hard to say how Wayne’s marketing team managed to mess up this bad. Was it their plan to implement a more intense class rotation? Perhaps it was the fact that they allowed a sexual voyeur to continue roaming the halls of the dorms? Most likely, it has something to do with the many, many years of uninspired plans to trick people into coming here. It finally wore off, or perhaps the high schoolers got a bit smart (scratch that, actually, it’s beyond their comprehension).

I’ve never been one to complain. About my life, this school, the religious oligarchy in charge of the city of Wayne. NEVER! You all know me. But this has gone a bit too far. I mean, without freshmen around, who’s going to leave endless piles of trash around the city? Who’s going to drive through town, unmuffled, playing country music no one cares about? Most importantly, who are all the older students supposed to invite to their parties to get drunk and play jokes on?

The admissions office clearly F’d this one up. I’d like to imagine I could survive without five hundred horny, attention-needy, losers running around campus, but I’ve begun to learn that we need those jokes to get by. We need the losers if we want to feel like winners. Like a workplace always needs its Creed, its Jerry, its Dee, so too do we need that solid group of idiots to make us feel okay.

So I’m about to ask something I thought I never would…Please find us some freshmen. I’m afraid if I go one more day without someone to relentlessly make fun of, I’ll have to turn to either the administration or myself, and nobody wants that.