Valentine’s cockroach revenge

Prankin’ with Kaitlynn

Kaitlynn Breeden, Columnist

Many of our lives are haunted by the memories of our shitty ex boyfriends or girlfriends. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, the Hemsley Conservation Centre in Fairseat, England, is having a fundraiser involving their cockroaches. As a way to raise money for the zoo, the conservation center is allowing people to name a cockroach after their ex, or a friend’s ex.

My New Year’s resolution was to get over my ex-boyfriend. So now that I have, it felt like my civic duty to help my friend realize her ex wasn’t worth it either. Since we’re both brutally single, this felt like a way to make the most out of Valentine’s Day.

To help out the zoo and exploit my friend’s ex, I paid the $2.70 to gift my friend a beautiful certificate of her new cockroach that is roaming around the zoo. The certificate includes a big cockroach and says, “Congratulations! I’ve named a cockroach at the Hemsley Conversation Centre in the not so loving memory of your worthless ex!”

The zoo plans to post a photo of all the cockroaches with their new names on Feb. 14. So for her Valentine’s gift, my friend will be able to see her ex where he truly belongs: rolling around in some dirt and locked up in an exhibit.

In my opinion, I think this is probably the best Valentine’s Day gift. It’s even better than candy, because it’s cheaper than the fancy boxes of chocolates and you don’t have to feel guilty about eating poorly.

Naming a cockroach after someone is nicer than revenge, but is still equally petty.

If you want to help by donating to the zoo, or know someone whose personality is disgusting and similar to a cockroach, you can name your own roach at