Harden forgets his beard

Nick Ulrich, Columnist

The NBA playoffs have kicked off in the last couple weeks with the best teams around the league fighting for the worst pick in next year’s draft. We all know how valuable that 30th and 60th pick are, as every team around the league is giving it their all over the next month to prove that their team is too good to get any pick better than 30. With that being said, pressure surrounding the league is at an all-time high with all the trades and free agency changes over this last offseason.

But when James Harden walked into the locker room for the series against the Minnesota Timberwolves, some of his teammates mentioned that his face was lacking a certain hairy substance that defined James Harden.

“James, your face is lacking of that certain hairy substance that defines you!” said Chris Paul, longtime small beard owner and teammate of James Harden.

“Oh no,” said James Harden, “I must’ve forgotten my beard on the plane!” So the team immediately called the private jet company and asked if anyone had found James Harden’s beard, but there was no luck. James knew that he would be much, much worse in this series if he couldn’t use his beard to distract his rivals, so he continued searching for it. In the locker room? Nope. In James’ couch cushions? Nope. Finally, James had to give in and just go on to the next game. He knew he would not be as valuable a player without his beard, but he went onto the floor and threw the ball around anyway. When the matchup was about to start, he looked across the floor at the shooting guard for the Timberwolves, Jimmy Butler.

“What the hell, Jimmy?” James yelled across the floor. “Why do you have my beard?”

Jimmy Butler reached down and caressed his long curly black beard. He pulled his hands through the beard and pulled out 10 to 15 strands of hair. “You mean this beard?” he handed James the strands of hair and James winced in pain, as if the hair was still connected to his body. “Yeah man, that’s not very nice. You know that’s the certain hairy substance that defines me.”

“Well, good luck getting defined now,” said Jimmy Butler and he laughed and then dunked the basketball. The game went on as planned and even though James was playing badly because he didn’t have his beard, the Timberwolves were actually so bad, they couldn’t even win the game. It’s amazing actually, James Harden had four points, two assists and 27 rebounds. Although his rebound numbers were astounding, the rest of his numbers seemed a bit lackluster. Moral of the story: Don’t let Jimmy Butler into your locker room when you’re trying to charge your beard.