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Why do we get the Monday after Easter off?

Nick Ulrich, Columnist

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Amidst all the Easter egg hunts and poorly-cooked hams, it seems that some people have forgotten the true meaning of Easter.

Easter is meant to celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Jesus Savior Christ, and no one remembers that more than the big J himself. That’s right: This year, Christ returned to show how awesome he really can be.

When he fell from Heaven on Sunday, he dropped directly onto his favorite Church and told everyone that they were good people. He then proceeded to tell all of them that his next step was to mess the rest of the world up, because they weren’t at Church.

“You guys did the right thing. You’re good people!” He said, “But I’m gonna mess up all these heathens that aren’t here right now.” And Jesus raised his hand in the air and snapped and just then, there was an earthquake in Haiti. “That’ll teach those Islanders to praise rocks and animals.”

What’s the best way to remind people you’re alive and well?

Apparently, Jesus thinks it’s by stealing a bunch of food from the Old Market and destroying the rest of the vendors’ products.

Easter Sunday was great, but seeing Jesus ravage through the Old Market yelling at 12-year-olds for not being at Church really made it so much better. Jesus started screaming at someone trying to sell lemonade, saying “WHY ARE YOU HERE WITH SUGARY LEMON WATER?! YOU SHOULD BE PRAISING MY BLOOD AND BODY!” and then he kicked the table over and turned all of the lemonade into his urine.

Jesus didn’t stop there, though. He wasn’t ready to return to his angry dad in heaven. So he went to Africa and was going to mess them up.

Unfortunately, his dad had already messed up Africa too much in the last 1500 years so it wasn’t any fun to mess up.

So he returned to America, because he knew people liked him there, but as soon as he got back, all of the priests in America had gathered to give him an intervention.

“Jesus,” the pope said, “You need to go back home. God misses you.” And they all knew that God didn’t miss his troublemaker son, but they needed him to leave the Earth, because he was messing up too much stuff.

So Jesus returned to Heaven and God told him he could stay as long as he did his chores and visited some random heathen on earth every year.

And now, once a year, usually around Easter time, Jesus descends to Earth just to remind all the heathens who aren’t at Church that he’s the baddest MF around and that everyone needs to worship him. And that’s why we celebrate Easter.

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2 Comments

2 Responses to “Why do we get the Monday after Easter off?”

  1. Greg on April 12th, 2018 1:37 pm

    interesting

  2. Kody Wageman on April 21st, 2018 6:52 pm

    I don’t find this healthy or thought-provoking at all. I find it very offensive.

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Why do we get the Monday after Easter off?