What about the corn?

Memeing with Nick

Nick Ulrich, Columnist

Dear Nebraska,

Hello, my name is Nick Ulrich. I am a local resident of the state of Nebraska, from the city of La Vista. I have lived in Nebraska for 18 years of my life and have been a nearly proud resident of this fine state ever since.

I enjoy nearly everything about this state, including its natural life and preservation of nature but I have one very specific problem with Nebraska. There is nowhere near as much corn as there should be in this state. As I drive into the downtown area of Omaha or Lincoln I look around with severe disappointment. Not a single cornstalk is to be seen.

Plagued by buildings and trees placed there by our lovely government, the necessary amount of corn for the Cornhusker state is nowhere to be found. There can sometimes be rare sightings of corn out in the outskirts of Nebraska, but how often does one get out there nowadays with modern technology? Nebraska is known as the Cornhusker State due mostly to the name of our largest state college, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln Cornhuskers, which often ranks in the nation for college football.

Yet, it pains me to know that Iowa produces more corn per year than Nebraska. It should be noted that if Iowa becomes the Cornhusker State, we would be stuck with being the Hawkeye State. And that is not something I, as a free individual with pride, look forward to.

Nebraska should be entirely dedicated, first and foremost, to the production of corn. With it being the namesake of our sportsman pride, it is a shame that most kids in Nebraska have not seen a single stalk of corn in their life, but rather find themselves familiar with the popcorn smothered in butter that can be bought at any movie theatre.

I ventured around a Nebraskan lake with a friend of mine the other day and every time I would walk around a corner, I would find myself asking, “Where is all the corn?” Corn should be visible at every location in Nebraska. Even under your neighborhood crack bridge, there should be large stalks of corn growing out of the human-fertilized ground.

Without this corn, our state is just like any other state in the country, besides our odd Electoral College situation which is pretty splendid, if I may say so myself. I, as a free Nebraskan with an intense care for my state, must openly speak my mind to say that there is simply not enough corn here.

As the wonderful Yahoo Answers asker puts it: “What’s your preference: Corn, or porn?” If you choose to not give our wonderful state the amount of corn it needs, well… that leaves us with only one option. And by that you’re basically admitting that the government supports pornography.

Don’t support pornography, support cornography.

Ashamed Nebraskan,
Nick Ulrich