For a long while now, I’ve been writing satirical opinions for the Wayne newspaper. Despite my growing notion that this paper is only read by a bunch of old guys, I’m going to continue targeting young people until they realize that newspapers can be just as entertaining as memes.

Anyway, here’s your goddamn list you selfish teenage imbeciles.

Read a book: read literally any book. I know all you kids out there are looking forward to going home and binge watching the office or playing Fortnite until you can’t differentiate the Fortnite dance from a square dance, but maybe before you start your downfall to morbid obesity, you can pick up a science book and just look at it for a couple minutes? You think you could do that, you inattentive squirrels?

2. Talk to a professor instead of your stupid friends. Right now, you’re probably reading this in a classroom and thinking about how you can’t wait to tell your roommate the story about how your teacher probably farted at some point. But maybe instead of wasting away your life with gossip, you can talk to a person who’s not a goddamn idiot. They might even know some of the answers to the questions that’ll be on your final exam.

3. Go through your notes (if you even thought to take them.) Maybe you were lucky enough to actually bring a pencil to school one of the days you attended, and if that is the case you might actually have some notes. Here’s an idea: Instead of going out on Friday and Saturday and drinking until you forget you have finals, you could look at those notes.

4. Take a break. As always, don’t forget to take a long break in between study periods. This is the best way to relieve the stress of constant study. Some doctors recommend taking upwards of 7,000 minutes of break for every 84,000 minutes of studying. Not only does this help give your brain the natural reset it needs every 84,000 minutes, it also enables you to momentarily grab a cup of coffee or catch a quick two-way flight to Montana.

5. Give up all hope and fail anyways.

Of course, as I said I was going to appeal to the youngins in this article, I know that most of you will not adhere to these grave warnings and will, nonetheless, show up half drunk, half hungover to your Tuesday 8:00 a.m. final. In that case, let me give you the most important advice for everyone, including yourself and those around you. Sleep in. Save the vomit for your home toilet and skip the final. You were never going to pass it in the first place.