Some people may read these Godless columns and wonder about my morals and my knowledge about what is right and wrong.  I have strong opinions and I usually back it up with a combination of sarcasm and conceit, which, in my experience goes right over the heads of the people I’m trying to convince.  I’ve considered changing my methods, but I fear that it wouldn’t make much of a difference.

I hope that some of the people who read these columns and generally disagree say: “I hope this boy discovers Jesus,” and “Maybe I should kidnap him and take him to Church.”  Well, have I got some news for you.  I’ve already tried all that and determined that if Jesus ever existed, then he made some mistakes…. Particularly, leaving his Church in the hands of a bunch of pedophiles.

Some people may believe I’m just not educated on real Christianity.  But sadly, I sat through religious classes all throughout my grade school and high school, only to realize that the Church struggles to maintain its own teachings.  For example, Jesus once said: “I don’t give a damn what y’all do, just no diddlin’ kids.”  (DeVito 2:13)  It was such a clear message but the Church has struggled with how to handle the issues of people in authority diddlin’ kids.

The Church teaches that true justice will come in the afterlife, when the Lord will lay down the law on all the diddlers he loves and send them to burn in hell for eternity, but what if they’re wrong?  Let’s all just assume for a minute that there is no afterlife, no burning hell, no contradictory loving Jesus.  How do we deal with justice here on Earth so that pedophile priests, who most likely don’t believe a word in the Bible have a reason not to diddle anyone?

Well, let’s assume you’re a bishop in South America.  You used to work in Europe for a while, one of the prime spots for religious exploitation, until one little kid ruined it for you by telling everyone you used to touch him.  Now you’re in South America, enjoying less exploitation, but less attention regarding your own romantic relationships with children.  But soon enough, one of these selfish little boys, who barely remembers has to go and report your romantic relationship.  You tried to give him a good time, but clearly it wasn’t enough.  Luckily, your good friend, the Pope, notices this, and decides you should NOT be around kids anymore.  So, now you’re just an executive in the Vatican, where you’re able to see the religious exploitation firsthand and access the Vatican’s personal collection of “JustForBoys” magazines.

This sad story is more common than it may seem.  It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, but perhaps if I can just say to myself: “Well, they’ll all burn in hell eventually, so they might as well stay out of jail and help the Church,” Maybe I could believe in this metaphysical solution to a physical problem.