If you’re a Wayne resident like myself, you’ve probably been questioning why you would ever bring yourself to this failure of a town. You’ve probably been thinking “I’ve got to get out of Wayne,” or perhaps “I’ve got to make sure no one else has to ever end up in Wayne again.” And trust me, I’ve been thinking the same things, but events like this week’s dog parade are a useful break from the monotony of small town boredom.

However, while the dog parade was supposed to excite and inspire cute feelings among all these old folks that live here, it quickly inspired terror instead as the annual monster truck parade was scheduled on the same day.

As soon as the cutely-dressed dogs began to leave their starting parade-cages, the monster trucks flew through the city streets of Wayne, running over and through everything that stood in its way, as monster trucks do.

Everyone was very excited for Max: a labradoodle, who was very excited to be this year’s favorite for “Cutest dog of the year,” with his costume of a skeleton. However, his costume quickly turned from cute to legitimately terrifying as Monster Mutt, this year’s favorite for “Most dog-like Monster Truck,” helped make Max’s costume just a little more realistic than the crowd was hoping for.

Similarly, some of the other favorites for awards in this year’s dog costume contest were disqualified for supposedly paying monster truck drivers to target other animals. It’s no surprise that Max, the main favorite, was quickly eliminated, but no one could have expected Fluffy, Spot, Duke, Bailey, Sophie or Lola to also fall victim to this terribly consequential scheduling mistake.

At the end of the day, most of the dogs that were entered into this year’s competition were either eliminated by means of disqualification or pure flattening. That left only a few, mostly disappointing pugs to compete for cutest dog. It was left between Damian: an even-more-misshapen Bull Terrier, and Miranda: an Irish Wolfhound with way too much hair to possibly be the Naked Mole Rat her owners tried to dress her up as. In the end, government leaders decided that the best course of action was to disqualify the last two dogs and use them as props for the Monster Truck show that had boldly taken over the dog parade.

Many of the people who went downtown for the dog parade may not have got what they wanted this year. They expected cuteness and a good dog show, but received something completely different. This year’s dog parade may not have gone as planned, per say, but at least the audience got to witness one amazingly graphic monster truck show.