On the first occasion in which I spoke to Eileen, she had flowers in her hair. There was something beautiful about how she looked upon others. I could see that although she put up a facade of despair and apathy, her heart had a wonderful outward glow that she used to help those around her. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy. I’m crazy.

It was back in high school when it all began, the floods. We were sitting in class, all of us, with Mrs. Steinitz at the front of the room. The windows were foggy with the outside air and dirty from the hands of children who ought not be. The wind blowing through the trees made a loud whistle from across the street and although the windows were closed, we could hear it clearly. I looked back, hoping Mrs. Steinitz didn’t glance toward my direction.

“How long do you think we’ll be in here?”

“There’s no real way to know. The world is a very odd and random environment where nothing is for sure. Mrs. Steinitz could leave us in here for 30 seconds or 30 years. Keep in mind, the world is more likely to end with us in here than it is for the world to end before we came in here. Alternately, the past is similarly uncertain. Time is ever changing, and with it our minds and mindsets alike. Perhaps last year I may have loved the version of myself that I am today. Perhaps next year I will. All we can say for certain is that we are in here currently. There is no present or past.”

“Holy f***, Eileen, can’t you give a regular answer for once in your life?”

Snickers broke out in the classroom and everyone had turned to us. Mrs. Steinitz stared both of us down. Eileen was so focused on her words that she didn’t notice what was happening in the classroom. She smiled at me while I put my head down in shame.

“You all can leave. Go home and think about what you’ve done,” said Mrs. Steinitz.

My peers walked out of the classroom but I sat back for a minute waiting. Mrs. Steinitz was already sitting at her desk when I walked up and asked, “How do I stop?”
She glanced up from her glasses and pulled the single strand of hair that refused to sit in her bun. “How do you stop what?”

I walked out of the classroom without saying a word. At this point people were getting used to the way I spoke or was. There was no resolution.

The door swept open and I ran through it as I raced down the hallway. I was having a lot of trouble breathing from my nose and was sucking in air like pebbles. Every breath rattled my inner core. I heard the people around me laugh. I heard the lockers slam like police doors. I felt the wind rush by my shoulders. I slammed through the front door like a battering ram. I’m glad no one tried to talk to me.

I sat in my car for 15 minutes before leaving. I wanted to listen to music and feel the vibrations rattle my bones. When I couldn’t stand the rattling I drove and drove and drove and drove and drove and never stopped.