High on the Plains: Faustus & the creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon


Chad Christensen, Columnist

Lately, I’ve been drawing circles on the floor of my office. Doing my best Faustus, conjuring up Keith Richards (my own personal Mephistopheles).

“Oh world (my hand placed on forehead in a semi-dramatic way.) I have grown so weary of this life. This silly FACEBOOK life. Please Lord Satan. Help me.”

POOF! Enters Keith Richards.

I raise my hands to the sky.“Thank you, Lord. Thank you.” (And a good time was had by all).

In addition to conversing with Keith Richards (boy, he’s taught me a lot. That story about the coconut tree isn’t true but the rumors about blood transfusions and he being part robot are. The man’s a god. Scientifically, there’s no possible way he will ever die.), I’ve also been working on my inner Jason Voorhees.

The guy with the hockey mask and machete. The guy who kills topless women at Crystal Lake. See, Keith gives me the advice. But Jason; he’s my go-to guy. He gets things done.

And what I need him to do is not kill topless women (although I can see the temptation) but to metaphorically kill Redneck Willy and his slightly slower brother Hillbilly Jim. The hope and dream is that they’ll never post anything on FB again. Ever.

So here’s what happened. James McMurtry (a country musician out of Austin, Texas who wrote the famous song “Choctaw Bingo.” He’s also the son of Larry McMurtry. The guy who wrote “Lonesome Dove.” Etcetera, etcetera. See, you got this) posted a comment on his FB page about gun control. Nothing too lopsided. It was more playful than anything. But it was just enough to get Redneck Willy and Hillbilly Jim to come out of their lean-to shacks and vomit all over the FB feed.

And see, my complaint doesn’t have to do with the whole gun control issue. I could care less. It was their inability to communicate properly. Their (oh god, dare I say it) lack of rhetoric. Their posts looked like monkey grunts. I mean like, poo-flinging, look-at-my-slanty-forehead kinds of posts. It was obvious they had just joined FB and I’m assuming they must have had help from their (dear god) children.

“Look kids, Hillbilly Jim got a FB account. Look at what spell check can do. Redneck Willy is using his newly found thumb to spread the gospel.” (And the shack falls down on them, burning them all alive. End scene.)

Anyhow. So McMurtry’s intriguing post turned into what I have been calling “a birdfeeder for FB idgits.”

And all I want, Lord, all I want is for Jason Voorhees to make a quick intergalactic visit to their “FB page” and do what he does best. Pop their little heads off with his oversized butter knife and have that be the end of it.

Lord is that too much to ask? Lord Satan are you still there?