So, to be perfectly clear, I think Wayne is too cold. Not only in the winter, mind you, I’m talking in general. For all the seasons I live in Wayne, fall, winter, and spring, I’ve noticed that the town is too cold almost 100 percent of the time.

Now I know this isn’t my hometown, and that it’s impolite for a guest to point out when the thermostat isn’t to their liking, but come on people! It’s barely October and I almost need to wear a long-sleeve shirt! What’s the deal?

Honestly, I hope I don’t insult anyone, but why don’t you guys fix the temperature? Isn’t there some great big dial behind the post office y’all can crank up? Maybe I just don’t get it, maybe cold is an acquired taste.

Like porcupine. Or strawberry milk.

But seriously, it must cost so much money to keep the A/C on 24/7 for 25 weeks in a row!
How can a city pay for all that electricity? Are you guys sitting on a million gallons of crude oil (not that it’d be worth much right now)? Do the stray cats in town lay golden eggs?

Well, no matter how you people do it, I am convinced we would all be better off being warm in the winter. Think of all the fun people could be having outside, instead of drinking hot cocoa by their fireplace.

People could be doing fantastic, outdoorsy things, like mowing their lawns and cleaning their gutters!

That’s without even mentioning the fact that cold weather has been scientifically proven to be more depressing than warm weather (I’m like 50 percent sure Simpson University in West Carolina proved this).

Nothing fun ever happens in the fall! Hayrack rides, more like PAYrack rides, those things cost a fortune! And Thanksgiving? Go on, tell me why I should be thankful for the state sponsored obesity holiday. See, you can’t do it!

So far I’ve avoided the biggest problem with cold weather, that being the snow.
Besides being ecologically wasteful (we water the grass and everything else year-round anyway), it’s a huge pain in my tookus! Well not mine specifically. I don’t actually wake up at 4 in the morning to plow the roads so people can get where they’re going (all snow-shovelers go to Heaven).

Snow slows down traffic, melts, and is just a general eyesore. I can stare at the Great Plains all day; the rolling golds and yellows of highway grasses flow seamlessly into the corn and soybean fields. But where there’s snow, yuck. I’ll just stare at a white piece of paper, thank you very much, and avoid the eyestrain.

This rant has really gotten away from me at this point, but I implore you, all persons eligible to vote in the county, vote to turn up the heat!

And don’t count on global warming to do the job for you, I know we’re all good, meat and gas-consuming, red-blooded Americans, but all that climate change junk is practically irreversible now and the effects won’t happen for another hundred years!

I, however, am cold right now!

So if you agree, help me write a letter to Governor Pete Ricketts, and maybe, in turn, he’ll get off his non-tuition-subsidizing a** and turn up the temperature for the whole state of Nebraska!