Through Wind and Madness

Jake Stewart, Columnist

The deranged menace has shown his face once again, readers. That Greek bastard—my attorney—Stephen Adonis, has come out of hiding to do what he does best—ruin my life. Indeed. We are not safe, folks.

That evil bastard stole one of my tires late Wednesday night last week. I know this because he called me Thursday morning, confessing to his crime, vowing to do worse if I didn’t help get him out of some back-alley deal. My attorney, ladies and gentlemen.

If you’re approached by a man wearing a suit of peacock feathers, don’t believe what he says, and never hire him on for any legal services.

Anyway, we’re veering off track here. My car was sitting on a cinderblock, and I was met with a downpour. I had an important meeting to attend. So, there was no other choice but to walk, with nothing more than a childish umbrella to shield me against the raging storm.

This is what drove King Lear to madness. I was far from stable before this venture, but I’m just waiting to see if the insanity takes over. Keep a good thought for me, readers.

However, now that I think back on that rain-soaked experience, my anger is not only aimed at Adonis, but at the ridiculous notion of a nation built on Christian values. A nation of hypocrites, perhaps, but Christian values?

As I hiked across town, not a single car stopped, no offers for a ride. Pneumonia, hypothermia, trench foot. These are just a few things that might have hit me as the headlights sliced through the rain.

This is a country where would-be bounty hunters go after women who have exercised a right protected by the Constitution. We let veterans die on the streets. Mega churches stand over the ruins of small sanctuaries.

We have politicians who attack Islam, claiming it is a “religion of violence” but fail to see just how vicious Christianity has been. It’s a failure in the understanding of history. The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the wars between Catholics and Protestants, and the Church’s blind eye on the horrors of the Holocaust. These are just a few examples.

Heavy thoughts. This is what happens when you’re caught in the rain and the lightning under a small umbrella. Optimism is hard to come by when you’re walking around in soaked socks.

My attorney might be a drug-abusing sadist from time to time, but I’d rather live in a world with Stephen Adonis rather than Joel Osteen, Pat Robertson, or the horde of evangelical liars who claim to be good people. With that said, the Aegean nightmare needs to be dealt with. I currently have Rum Brain Moe tracking him down, but if history does repeat itself, I’m sure Adonis will vanish for some time.

Remember, folks, it’s always a smart bet to avoid Greek lawyers in peacock suits and Americans who say they’re good Christian people.