Improving Rylee’s love life

Prankin’ with Kaitlynn

Kaitlynn Breeden, Reporter

Some would say I’m charismatic and kind. Others would say I’m a piece of garbage. Similar garbage to me, is my roommate Rylee. Rylee is very single and in her free time she likes to browse Tinder.Tinder is the number one dating app for hookups and possibly murder.

Rylee says she, “Won’t go lower than a seven,” but realistically will settle for a five with a pulse. There are a couple types of people we’re trying not to attract, including the creepy kid from her speech class. News Editor Sean Dunn rated Rylee as a, “Hard bargain, but no thanks.”

My ex and her ex are trying to hook up with her, so she’s in high demand.

Rylee has many great characteristics, but here are some of her highlights. To break the ice, I put in some fun questions like “Do you like Olive Garden,” and “Have you ever been incarcerated (must include all felony charges.)”

She handles her procrastination by doing her homework Monday and Wednesday nights in study hall, because sorority requires us to be there.

On the flyer, I also wrote that Rylee has daytime and nighttime retainers, but only has one of each. She got new ones over the weekend, so now she’s taking her dental care very seriously.

Probably my favorite thing on the flyer is that one-time Rylee was showering, and the shower head broke off the wall and fell on top of her. Humbly, she did not sue the school.

Not only did I create Rylee a beautiful tinder flyer, but I also created her a well thought out and structed dating application. The application includes the basic questions; name, current city/state, are you employed, etc.

But it also includes important health and physical questions like “How many girls have you slept with,” “When was your last HIV/Aids testing (did you pass),” and “Are you 6 ft or taller?”

Relationship questions like “Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend,” “When was your last real relationship/ Why did it end?” are also included just to round out the application.

Rylee has seen and approved both the flyer and the dating application, so if you would like one I’ll be handing them out in the student center during meals.