When I began writing these satire columns a couple years ago, I was always worried that some day, out of nowhere, I would get a call from the Dean saying that something I had written was just too controversial for a College newspaper and she would be forced to expel me. I’d always imagined that at some point, my editor would come to me and say “Hey man, you know you can’t just make stuff up in a newspaper” and I would say, “It’s a bit too late for that buddy” and then we’d laugh about it and get sued for slander. Hell, to this day, I’m still shocked no one has tried to assassinate me in the streets of Wayne for making fun of their precious puppy parade. I mean, when I started writing for this paper, I wanted to use a pseudonym, but for some reason they thought Salamander Calamari was a bit to phallic for the public to admire.

Perhaps the event that has shocked me even more than these small town surprises has been the amazing backlash that occurs when sex is mentioned in a school newspaper.

Last time I wrote, I spoke briefly about the robot sex brothel being built in the CAT center, and, almost immediately, people began spotting old white men and women carrying pitchforks and torches toward the school. Some people, who have never heard of joking, threatened to remove their children from the school while others simply commented shamefully and anonymously on the online news site.

It’s okay, though, because they just don’t understand us: you and me. We’re the funny ones.

Remember when you laughed at that joke up there? That was fun, that was a good time.

Eh, these old folks can either get used to new humor or die with a self-conceited frown and $20 worth of burnt newspapers.