Valentine’s Day is here and with it comes the needy boyfriends and girlfriends, searching for material representations of love. In case you’ve spaced it off until now, here is my list for the top six last minute gifts for your significant other.

Chocolates/Flowers. There’s nothing wrong with the classics. A big box of chocolates or a bouquet of roses is sure to bring out some emotions in your SO… specifically disappointment and acceptance.

Their Long-lost Sibling. One of the best ways to cheer up your SO is to surprise them with a sibling that they never knew about. If you’re lucky enough to run into someone with similar bone structures and skin tone you can ask them to join you on Valentine’s Day as a surprise to your lover… as a long-lost sibling. You should probably be clear about that part.

7,000 Bees. This is a new and creative way to get some honey for your honey. Everyone knows that there’s nothing more painstakingly boring then driving to the store every couple of days to refill your honey collection. With your own compound of bees, you and your SO will never have to worry about running out of honey again.

Someone Else to Sleep With. Your SO will never admit it, but the one thing they are really hoping for this Valentine’s Day is that you’ll get them a prostitute to give them the one night of great lovemaking you could never provide. When calling in the request, make sure to get someone who is willing to go the distance and provide all the things you told your SO you would do on Valentine’s Day.

A Thoughtful Rendition of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet performed as a One-Person Show. Inviting your SO to the premiere of your one-person show might seem scary, but once they see all the work you’ve put in to it, they’ll have no choice but to accept your long and confusing gesture of love. That is, of course, once you wake them up after the play.

The Oar Movie Prop Used in “Titanic.” That’s right! The exact oar that Rose used to push Jack away as they were sinking is now for sale on eBay.

There’s no better way to communicate to your SO how much you love them then by getting them a movie prop from the greatest love movie ever made. The fact that it is the oar, a symbol of Rose’s undying love for her own survival, only increases how much your SO will love it.

Nothing. Your SO loves to tell you how they don’t want anything this year and they just want to be around you, so this time, give them what they want… Nothing!

They may seem surprised at first, but they can’t REALLY get mad, since they told you so many times that this is exactly what they wanted. The only thing they want is a quiet night alone.