The United States is going through one of the most dramatic and weird cultural shifts the world has ever seen. With a fluorescent orange puppet squawking away in office about Korea and Pocahontas, people are dying for something to do with all their free time. Learning an instrument can be one of the most rewarding experiences of a person’s life. As a multi-instrumentalist and musician, I’ve had the opportunity to learn many instruments, including piano, guitar, bass, single-string bass, desk-drums, a corpse’s vocal strings and, obviously, my Uncle John’s fat flaps. Through learning all of these, I’ve compiled a list of six ways to get good at any instrument.

1. Kill Everyone Else who Plays that Instrument: If you’re working on learning an instrument, you’re probably working to become the very best at it.

One quick and effective way to do this is to murder anyone else who might be a challenge to you. Another advantage of this method is that you can force the musicians to teach you at gunpoint. I’ve always found that gunpoint teaching is much more efficient than paid or volunteered advertising.

2. Wash, but don’t Dry your Hands: At first, approaching a violin with dripping wet hands might feel a little wrong, but once you feel your soaked fingers touching the strings you’ll understand the advantage firsthand.

3. Use Someone Else’s Breath Supply to Hold Notes Longer: Trying to hold out a long note on a horn or with your voice can often be a painstaking process. By forcing someone else to blow into your metal horn tube, you can garner all your focus on playing the best notes possible. People don’t know this, but most of the blowing you hear on a Miles Davis track is actually done by Billie Holiday, the popular jazz singer known for her long and powerful breathing ability.

4. Teach Other People Incorrectly: Not only is this a great way to boost your own confidence, but by teaching other people incorrectly, you will become comparatively better at your instrument. When teaching people who are already worse than you, you can also pretend to be better by showing off useless licks you know you couldn’t do in real time.

Don’t worry… your idiotic student won’t know the difference and they’ll think you’re awesome.

5. Learn “Stairway to Heaven” and never stop playing it: It’s common knowledge that Stairway to Heaven is the best song to ever have been written. Learn it right now and you’ll be that much better at your instrument. Play it every time you pick up your instrument for the rest of your life. You don’t have to learn anything else because you already have Stairway to Heaven.

6. Be Better Looking: If you have struggled at improving your playing skills, you can always try improving your looks.

Better looking people automatically gain the musical skill of not having to be that good at their instrument.

Think about it this way, Donald Trump and George Clooney can both play WHAM’s “Careless Whisper” with the exact same proficiency, but George Clooney’s dark magical skin isn’t going to match the brass glow of the saxophone in the same way Trump’s will.

Not to mention, Trump’s majestic sway (or dry-hump, if you prefer that phrase) makes the song about 100.