It’s that time of year again: The winds are getting colder, the days are getting shorter and the squirrels are getting fatter.

As the grass and trees die out, we must, as a community, begin to determine what we’re going to do with the sleeping squirrels that plague that natural habitat we need to survive.

From the greatest trees, to the deepest holes, these miniature tree-climbers often steal these great spots before the hard-working American bald eagles have a chance to get there. In the past, many societies have let these ground demons take up all the great winter hiding spots, but we now know that we cannot allow that. Squirrels are dangerous creatures.

Their love for nuts can cause them to become violent and rude, often attacking humans for their nuts or verbally assaulting them with slurs and insults.

One community member heard a squirrel yelling “Give me your nuts, you skinny F***!” to a jogger who was merely doing his business. So community members, I beg of you to gather your guns, shotguns, handguns, assault rifles, pliers, tape measures, chopsticks and whatever else might be used to brutally massacre an entire civilization; It’s time to clean these squirrels from the streets.

It’s time to destroy and mercifully gather the squirrels from sidewalks, trees, grassy plains and holes. We cannot let this destruction of our land go on any further.

Many do not know this but squirrels were actually brought over from Africa.

Unlike the bald eagle, which is as American as slaughtering an entire civilization for a minuscule amount of resources, squirrels are wretched creatures who came here JUST to steal our great sleeping spots.

Look, I like squirrels as much as the next guy… in fact, some of my best friends have been squirrels.

But I can’t sit back and just watch as they steal spots from some hard-working bald eagles.

Furthermore, it’s my tax money that pays for these parks.

You don’t see squirrels getting an income tax or a tax for their property.

Yet, I have taxpayers coming to my house every single day saying, “Give me more money for the squirrels, the squirrels need a place to sleep blah blah blah.”

If the squirrels want to be comfortable, they can get off their squirrel butts and get a squirrel job like the rest of us. It’s time, men and women of Wayne, America, to take back our parks, our trees, our grass and our nature. We can no longer allow the hard-working bald eagles to go without hiding spots. While squirrels, the tiny, weak mistakes of nature, sleep comfortably through the cold winter seasons.

It’s time to clean these squirrels from the land that I pay for with my taxes every month.