With all the hype nowadays about “Big Brother” and “the CIA is spying on my son and turning the frogs gay,” many consumers struggle to find an electronic device they can trust. Apple took a stand a while back against police wanting to find a way into their phone. Now the CIA has truly taken a big stand against Big Brother by releasing its very own phone, which they have assured will not be used to spy on you.

The cell phone is said to be the exact average size, weight and technology of every other cell phone on the market, staying true to the government’s standards. It is also believed that this cell phone will offer an entire new line of apps already installed including “Bomber Simulator,” where users are asked to simulate bombing a U.S. embassy, and “Smuggle Muffins,” an adorable kid’s game, which asks children how a muffin might respond if the doughboy asks them to make themselves stuffed muffins before going into the oven.

“We just want people to feel in control of their own device,” said FBI Director Andrew McCabe. “We know that people want to feel safe while browsing the web and that’s why we’ve come out with this device.”

McCabe said the device will offer many of the same features other phones have, such as texting, browsing the web, location, third-party viewing (in case any friends might want to share screens) and obviously all of the great apps Americans find so important.

“This is truly an incredible step forward,” Said Adam Tylers, professional rightwing memer and avid InfoWars fan. “We’re so happy to finally have the CIA coming forward to offer this kind of technology.

We’ve been asking some government association to fix all of the problems we’ve had for such a long time and it’s great to witness the CIA helping in action.”

Tylers said he would spend most of the time on his new phone searching for only the best memes for his facebook groups.

“I just want to use the opportunity in the best way possible.”

No matter what your political views may be, it’s hard not to appreciate this new technology that’s definitely not going to be used for spying.

Whether you want to buy drugs on your phone or arrange a weapons
transfer, or browse kinksthatareprobablyillegal.com, you’re guaranteed a fast, reliable and completely totally private experience on the new CIA phone.