Upon my visit to Wayne State, I was not impressed by the music program. I was not impressed by the Humanities program or the teachers who are so highly praised. Nor was I impressed by the electronic servants who ride around in golf carts to serve anyone who needs them.

I was impressed with the sidewalks: their color, their shape and, ultimately, their pureness from the dirty, dirty grass that plagues these parts.

When looking for other schools, I was left wondering about their sidewalks. UNL’s sidewalks seem more mandatory than artistic, as if it places them for people to use instead of admire.

UNO overdid its sidewalks. It’s like they’re everywhere. At that point it’s a street, maybe even a parking lot. What kind of world is that?

Even Harvard’s sidewalks, though beautiful and glorious, have not a speck of dignity in them. Frat boys walk around and spit on the cement. A real sidewalk should be admired like the Mona Lisa right under our very feet.

Here at Wayne, we have pride in our sidewalks. From the coarse angel-white surface to the thick and luxurious layers of only the purest cement underneath. That being said, I don’t understand how we can live with the bare minimum of sidewalks we have here. As my mother always said: “If you make good sidewalks, make lots o’ good sidewalks, sonny boy.”

That brings us to the reason I’m writing this article today: Let this be a call to all sidewalk engineers, handymen, cement alchemists, and the good people who live through these cement squares in our grass. The time for more sidewalks is now. We must not let the wretched, dirty, green razor blades win in the battle against man-made beautiful cement.

I have taken the liberty of starting my very own cement company and have begun constructing some important sidewalk plans for the WSC campus.

My first order of business is to take every patch of grass and create a sort of checkerboard pattern with sidewalks. This way if a person needs to walk through that patch of grass, they need not expose their legs to the spiky devils of the earth. They shall have free rein to walk anywhere. Our soldiers fought so that we may have these sidewalks.

Next, I’d like to place a plethora of sidewalks on the roof of the library. We all remember how much time construction spent last year on the roof of the library. Imagine how much quicker the construction would have gone by if they had a series of sidewalks on the roof to make transportation easier.

In addition, we can add a vertical sidewalk on one of the sides of the building. This way, if they need to get up on the roof, they will no longer need a ladder.

Finally, and most important, by the time this newspaper comes out, my first project will have been completed. The entire second story of Connell Hall will have become a sidewalk.

That’s right ladies and gents, we have finally completed the sidewalk that you have been asking for for years. You will no longer be slowed down from the ‘60s-ridden polypropylene of the floor. It’s all cement now!
I know what you’re thinking… How will anyone be expected to focus now with such beautiful cement surrounding our area of study. I have the perfect solution: The entire second floor will now be for studying the beauties of cement!

Here are some classes we might consider: Cement Studies 101, Cement Studies 201, Sidewalk Engineering 102, Sidewalk Ethics 301, Sidewalks in our Waking World 302, Sidewalks and African American Studies 401. A major or minor in Sidewalk Sciences is the only thing separating us from the ivy league and the only thing separating this school from reaching the greatness it so richly deserves.