High on the Plains: The Luke Kelly-Bob Marley-Santa Claus conspiracy


Chad Christensen, Guest Columnist

For the most part, I’ve been lingering on this outer realm for a while. Just watching it from a safe distance as “visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.”

Hang on, I’ll explain.

The word “conspiracy” often raises a lot of red flags and people get weird if you mention it. I blame JFK. We all remember him, right? The 35th President. The man with no head and the magical bullet.

Ever since that fiasco no one wants to listen to a crazy guy with tinfoil for a hat using the word “conspiracy.” Plus we all know tinfoil doesn’t even work. You need something stronger. Like bourbon. You’re going to need bourbon. Let’s continue.

So Luke Kelly, eh? (Go ahead and Google it, I’ll wait). He was a musician in the band called The Dubliners and he had nothing to do with JFK (as far as I can tell). But he had crazy hair, smoked a pipe, played the guitar (and banjo) and was an active voice for the people of Ireland (Ireland is technically an island. I’m sure everyone knows this but I wanted to make sure it was noted because it’s a very crucial part to understanding this highly in depth investigation).

Alright, stay with me. Now Bob Marley walks a similar line. Crazy hair, smoked a pipe, played guitar, active voice of the people, and, get this, lived on an ISLAND. Eerie, isn’t it? Fascinating stuff…which really… has nothing to with the next part of my rambling incoherent thesis. Okay. So there’s lots of similarities here but enough with the nonsense. Let’s talk about Santa Claus. He has nothing to do with Luke Kelly, Bob Marley or JFK but he is kind of similar to JESUS OF NAZARETH. Frightening, I know. Let’s look at the similarities.

Ageless, lives forever, someone you believe in if you want gifts (like a new iPad or an afterlife), knows whether you’re good or bad, lingers around constantly during Christmas, both are carpenters (although Jesus wasn’t as good. He got beat by two pieces of wood), loves children, can fly, commands children to be good to their parents AND has a beard.

Uncanny, isn’t it? The obvious difference is that children eventually stop believing in Santa. Wow. That’s strange? What happened, here? Let’s investigate further.

My figuring is that Santa couldn’t keep up with the grand prize. What? No Afterlife? Just death? Now that’s a primordial fear that’s hard to deal with. Which, let’s face it, trumps all the Xboxes in the world.

So I guess that leaves us with (hold on now, let me put these numbers into the super computer. I want to make sure it’s right. Okay. It’s printing out now.) Jesus as the reigning champion of mythical made-up figures.

Hmmm. Yes, that seems right. Jesus of Nazareth is the Santa Claus for adults. Well, who knew?

I guess we learn something new every day. And what all this has to do with Luke Kelly and Bob Marley I just don’t know. I’m going to put them into the computer right now…