Most of my lessons came towards the end of 2023. I was retaught the value of perseverance and continue to be taught almost daily. This year, I came incredibly close to demise at my own hands. Yet I am here, proving I am still learning, albeit slowly.
Medication, exercise, social connection and whatever else is supposed to aid the mentally unstable is not the end-all be-all. You can do everything right and still hit rock bottom. You can do everything wrong and somehow find peace and enlightenment. The only thing that truly matters is perseverance.
The act of continuing without the motivation to do so is incredibly difficult. I will not go on trying to explain how debilitating lack of motivation is as most do not want to listen and the rest already understand. Just know, facing failure and opposition in a mind already battling simple everyday tasks such as eating is not easy. It is not even attainable for all.
The end of 2023 brought me to the place of “one more day.” I never thought I would be brought back to the place I fought so hard to escape. I reached what I believed to be my last “one more day” in October. As night approached, I accepted an invite to a kickback. I was numb and quiet walking through the house, weaving around people I had already accepted never seeing again.
I was stopped by a frat boy with a laugh and a goofy smile; my neighbor, who had become a friend over the past few months. He asked where I was the night that I had plans to play video games at his house. I worked up a half-hearted smile and a “didn’t feel like it, sorry.” He did not clock me on what a lame excuse that was, just laughed and asked when I was coming over next.
The simple fact that someone had noticed my absence and checked in on me changed the time I felt I had left. I kept going for the next few days on his comment alone. I never told him how much his offhand comment centered me, but I will before this goes to print.
So, here I am, at the start of 2024 with nothing but pride in my heart for the girl that kept going for the chance at a future she is content in. Taking care of myself on the possibility that future me makes it out and wants what I disregard so carelessly today is the hardest thing I must do. And yet, I do, and encourage the same for others.
Give yourself time this year. Perhaps you are struggling and find yourself unhappy with the quality of your work lately. So what? Do it bad. Do it halfway. Just keep going. Keep doing. Eventually something clicks into place, and everything aligns. Allow your life to come together. See how far you can go.
One seemingly insignificant interaction opened my eyes to the people around me. Eventually, I was able to find beauty in the mundane again. I felt the love in my best friend’s “drive safe,” my sister’s “maybe don’t do that,” and my professor’s “clearly you needed the rest, we’ll see you next class.”
Moral of the story: you have to persevere, even when everything seems to be screaming at you to be done. The sun will always shine again; allow it to rise. No matter how unbearable the dark may be. Just one more time.
