Around one year ago, I ended a long-term queer relationship. That relationship marked the beginning of my queer journey, a process that has once again become tricky for me.  

I have written several articles about what being queer means to me and how I came to accept I was queer, but one story I never thought I would write is this one, a confession about my internalized heterophobia.  

One issue plaguing the LGBTQ+ community that not enough people discuss is how trauma from past relationships can impact your sexual identity. I had a terrible relationship in high school with a boy that was riddled with stalking and manipulation, but I never thought it impacted anything other than the way I trust partners.  

I have liked a few guys since high school, but I was always embarrassed to tell people my new crush was a man. As a queer woman who has now experienced a lesbian relationship, I am still embarrassed to give my praise to guys. The relationship I experienced in high school destroyed my self-confidence, and I hated myself for wanting to be with a guy who could not even respect the word no. Now, each time I like a guy, I remember how little I used to valued myself, and find myself scared each relationship will be the same.  

Each partner I have had since high school has been a little better as my judgment has improved, but I am still a 20-year-old girl who is learning. I have been trying to pinpoint what exactly bothers me about liking men and working to let myself love who I love. I know not all guys are the same, but I worry no man will be any better than the one I dated in high school.  

I know I like guys just as much as I like girls, but since I find it so hard to trust myself and the men I am in relationships with, I feel each guy I entertain is a waste of time leading to heartbreak and more self-hatred. I know that the love I give my partners though, no matter their gender, is never a waste.  

The gender of a partner should not define the amount of love I receive. I love holding hands and lying in bed for hours on end. I love late night movies and doing puzzles. I love getting back scratches just as much as I love giving them and I love combining my worlds with my partner. I love loving, a feature about myself I need to not suppress. Being treated well is not something I should have to bargain for, but I also need to not deny myself the things I enjoy because of fear.  

I am not my past relationships; I deserve to be treated well and there is nothing wrong with loving everyone. I am bravely battling a crush right now that I hope helps me find acceptance within myself, and I hope everyone reading this knows they are worthy of healthy love, no matter who it is from.