We need to talk about this Halloween hype, people. It seems like since Oct. 1, I can’t get on any social media platform without seeing a 20-something woman freaking out IN ALL CAPS about how PUMPED they are about Halloween. Maybe I’m just a grouchy 20-something grandmother, but I cannot stand all this Halloween buzz.

I can remember being about 10 or 12 years old, in the awkward stage between being a cute kid and an eventual blooming butterfly, and feeling like I was becoming too old for dressing up and getting wild on Oct. 31st. Even later, in high school, when my parents forced me into taking my little brothers around trick-or-treating, I still felt incredibly embarrassed to be out and about amongst the little kids
dressed as pumpkins and princesses.

When did it become socially acceptable to participate in childish behavior? I mean, I am all for the “forever young” vibe and will do anything to keep myself from becoming a boring adult, but isn’t
participating in a holiday geared towards children pushing the limit a little? Aren’t we getting a little old for this crap?

Now, I really don’t want to sound like I hate fun activities and holidays, etc., etc., etc., because I really love a tasteful holiday party or seasonal decorations as much as the next guy, but they key word here is tasteful. There is absolutely nothing tasteful about cheap, plastic costumes and weird yard ornaments with wigs or
watching freaky, odd Halloween films every night in October.

Take my neighbors for example, they have a scarecrow-looking statue standing by their mailbox. It doesn’t have a face or a shape or anything. Just an oatmeal-colored trench coat and scraggly black wig. What is that even supposed to symbolize? I mean if they’re trying to keep me from trespassing, they are accomplishing their goal. Last year, these same neighbors had mismatched orange and purple Christmas
lights half-way around their door frame and stuffed orange storage bags hanging from a tree in their front yard, so I guess the crazy cat lady scarecrow is a step up.

I am also not trying to take away from how lovely Halloween can be for kids and families—it can be fun and cute and entertaining. However, I think I draw the line at fun, cute and entertaining when I
can’t simply make a trip to the grocery store for a gallon of milk on the evening of the 31st without almost running over 15 different scantily clad college girls wearing so little clothing I can’t even tell what they are supposed to be dressed as.

Speaking of costumes, instead of sitting at home and being grumpy and anti-social last year, I spent hours and hours designing my own woodland fairy costume. I sewed and hot glued and designed until
everything was perfect.

Once we arrived in the heart of the scene, it only took one girl to yell; “OMG YOU LOOK SO CUTE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DRESSED AS FALL?” for me to head home kicking myself for even setting foot outside.

Maybe I am scared for life from being a supremely awkward and shy child who never enjoyed anything about Halloween, or maybe I really am just a grouchy grandmother, but if you are the type of person who
waits all year to celebrate creepy masks and ugly home décor I refuse to be your friend. And if you don’t believe candy corn is a disgrace to humankind, I will absolutely unfollow you on Twitter.

Unless you share your Halloween-themed chocolate with me. Then you might have a chance.