Recently, I’ve been running out of satire pieces to write, so here’s a recipe that may or may not create cookies. This recipe probably takes about an hour to make, but if you know what you’re doing, you can really push this to about 20 minutes.

Ingredients: 5 eggs, 3 cups milk, 3 handfuls of sugar, a mouthful of flour, 872 chocolate chips, 12 chocolate chip cookies, 1 cookie sheet (this will be used in the cookies, you will need another to actually bake the cookies), 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil, 1 tablespoon of engine oil and of course…the final ingredient.

Step One: Break open all the eggs and suck out the yolk from each of them. You can spit or swallow this, I don’t really care, you’re just going to need the egg whites. Next, you’ll want to heat the cookie sheet to about 12,000 degrees Fahrenheit, or until it begins to melt. Take this metal cookie sheet and mix it with the egg whites and milk. Now, add the vegetable oil and engine oil. You should get a shiny liquid substance once it’s all mixed together.

Step Two: Take a half cup of flour and put it in your mouth. If you think you can fit more, put it in until you run out of room for flour. Once you’ve hit the breaking point, slowly spit the flour out into the bowl with the eggs, milk, and cookie sheet while mixing. Now you’ll want to take the 12 cookies that were previously made and break those up and mix those in as well. Finally, add exactly 872 chocolate chips to the batch.

Step Three: Once you have mixed in all your ingredients, you’ll want to add the final ingredient. Then, take your new, doughy substance and form them into tiny balls. Be careful to remove any fingernails or hair in your recipe before doing this. Take the tiny balls of dough and place them on your second cookie sheet, about 1.32 inches apart.

Step Four: You’ll want to preheat the oven to about 300 degrees and cook the cookies for 22 minutes. If you’re short on time, you can preheat the oven to 600 degrees and cook for 11 minutes. That’s how math works, right?

Step Five: Remove your fresh cookies from the oven and shove your finger deep into all the cookies to ensure they are fully cooked. If you cannot feel the hot pan underneath the cookies, then you know they are cooked. I usually find that the first two are uncooked but the rest after that are perfect.

Step Six: Bask in the glory of knowing that you have just created the perfect cookie. Wow, what a masterpiece. You can now take these cookies, and frame them or simply leave them on the counter for all your friends to see. You will not want to eat these. That will probably get you sick, if not completely kill you.

Step Seven: Enjoy!