How can America be the greatest country in the world if I don’t understand scones?

Growing up, I was always taught to believe that the United States of America was the greatest country in the world. This idea was constantly fed to me by my parents, friends, teachers, the mainstream media and children’s television shows. People would say to me, “Nick, the United States is so much better than other countries, especially Mexico.” And I would nod my head 21 times and fire my M4 into the air out of pure joy.

Recently, however I’ve been lost simply because I don’t understand how the U.S. can be the greatest country in the world when I don’t really understand what a scone is.

I still see how America is the freest country in the world with absolute religious liberty for people who love Jesus. I still see the booming economy of the U.S. with all our billions of dollars that we own ourselves. I still see riots happening in the streets (not over scones), and those riots being respected by authority. But somehow, all of this seems empty to me without knowing the exact nature of scones.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this country. I love how we allow almost any white person to come here and live legally. I love how we have the best education, the best people, the best food, the best drinks. I just don’t understand what a scone is. Is it a pastry? A rare potato? Some sort of meat? I’ve heard people say it comes from the wing of a dove. Is that true?

The United States of America has the absolute best democracy in the world. It is far beyond any other country with its freedoms and privileges for white people.

People here are allowed to do whatever they want, whenever they want, and I think that’s great. But I really just don’t understand what a scone is. Is it always blueberry flavored? What are the ingredients of a scone? How does one make a scone? Does it require a fryer or an oven? A mixer or a whisk? These are important questions and they must be answered before one can declare the U.S. to be the greatest nation in the world.

The United States has produced some of the greatest minds of our generation and some of the great artists such as Steven Hawking, Steve Jobs, Steve Buscemi, Steve Harvey, Steve Perry, Steve Winwood and, of course, the great Steve McQueen. We even have some of the great sports like American Football, American Soccer, American Hockey, American Gymnastics and American Basketball.

But how can we be the greatest country in the world if I don’t even understand what a scone is? Where does that leave us as a nation when I can’t create a scone, much less begin to understand the nature of scones themselves. This, America, surely is a predicament, and I will not stop until someone tells me what a scone is.