Staff Editorial: Let’s celebrate Donald

Mason Schweizer, Opinion Editor

Can you believe we’re already 40 days into the Trump presidency? Boy, time sure does fly when you’re having fun. “Make America Great Again” wasn’t just a campaign slogan—it was a promise. Day-by-day, Delightful Donnie continues to restore America to its former glory, before it was ruined by crooked politicians, global warming and those damn foreigners.

Our man 45 has been so good that he deserves some sort of accolade. And what better accolade is there than having your own holiday? If we could change Valentine’s Day to Love Day a couple of weeks ago, why can’t we just add a new holiday altogether?

With that being said, we would like to present an idea to the public. Every year, on Feb. 30, we need to begin celebrating Donald Day. He’s doing very, very good things, people.

Of course, Donald Day cannot come during any other month besides February. It is Black History Month, after all, which is the perfect time for this glorious day. Can you name a president who cares about black people as much as Donald? Exactly. Ben Carson knows what’s up.

And seriously, screw science. Global warming, schlobal schwarming. Obama failed miserably by allowing the Environmental Protection Agency to waste all that money trying to save the planet from something that doesn’t exist. Donald made a very, very good decision when he decided that no more EPA information can be published until he and his group of good dudes can look at the information. Can’t be spreading #alternativefacts, after all.

God looks down and smiles when he sees Donald criticizing Planned Parenthood. What kind of devilish establishment performs abortions? No life, no money. Planned Parenthood can perform their murders on someone else’s dime. Donald knows better than to give government money to such a bad, bad organization.

So where will Donald spend the money that will no longer support abortion? That damn wall, of course. Sure, Mexico will undoubtedly pay us back for that very, very good wall. But not until all of the Latino thugs get sent back over it first. America is reserved only for the good hombres.

What America is not reserved for, however, is the damn terrorists. Good thing Donald is extremely vetting them. And if an Attorney General like Sally Yates wants to try to lift that ban? You’re fired. Thanks, Donald.

Donald is a man of the people. Check the Electoral College results. That margin of victory was huge. Very, very huge, actually. Just kidding. Americans will continue to struggle with math until we eliminate public education. Donald knows this.

Donald is good. Good people deserve holidays. Which is why Feb. 30 will now be remembered as the Day of the Donald forever.

Our only hope is this editorial will reach the masses before Donald censors us.

Mason Schweizer for The Wayne Stater