Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams, but it can secure a presidential nomination

Mason Schweizer

Over the weekend, while our nation reflected back upon the 15th anniversary of the calamitous attacks that brought down the Twin Towers, America also was distracted from the opening weekend of football by the newest drama in a presidential election that has yet to shy away from theatrics.

Hillary Clinton, known by Trump the Troll as Crooked Hillary, had some medical issues at a memorial commemorating the fateful day of Sept. 11. And while the campaign trail intersected with patriotism on Sept. 11, as it does every four years, an assuming question popped into my mind.

When will our great nation provide us with a 9/11 truther as a major presidential candidate?

I posed this thought-provoking musing in class Monday to my professor, the sagacious Max McElwain. Shockingly, Max had nary an answer, and I’m fairly certain he didn’t totally grasp what a 9/11 truther is.

So, for Max and everyone else unaware, a 9/11truther is someone who thinks that the World Trade Center attacks were orchestrated from the inside. Basically, a label for a particular cult of conspiracy theorists.

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams,” or, “Bush knocked down the towers,” are common utterances from this species of human.

And these truthers come in all shapes and sizes. That sweet, middle-aged woman working at the grocery store? 9/11 truther. That quirky professor from the gen-ed you struggled to stay awake through? 9/11 truther. That kind of sketchy but kind of cool dude who sold you shitty dime bags in high school? Definitely a 9/11 truther.

Matter of fact, these woke proletariats seem to be popping up everywhere but the White House. Bernie Sanders was close this year, making himself relevant in the primaries, only to fall short to Clinton. He very well could take the next presidential step in four years and become the first 9/11 truther to sit in the same office as the perceived evil puppet George W. Bush.

But there is another man who has already been plotting his 2020 campaign. And after he famously asserted 11 years ago at a Hurricane Katrina benefit that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” it’s a safe bet to say this powerful man thinks Bush was in cahoots on the orchestration of the World Trade Center attacks.

And while politics aren’t his forte, this probable truther is certainly popular and polarizing enough to win a party nomination in an era where the guy from The Apprentice is literally the last man standing.

And that man, ladies and gentlemen, the first 9/11 truther who will secure a nomination for president of the United States of America, will shock all and piss off many.
With that being said, watch out for Kanye West in 2020.

Mason Schweizer For The Wayne Stater