A study of zombies

Jacob Stewart, Columnist

I’m having my students read World War Z as a means of understanding the concept of survivor stories and the literary function of conflict. So far, it seems that some have come to truly enjoy it—reading ahead and even finishing the novel before the end of this first half of the semester. Certainly, a proud moment as a teacher, but over the course of this academic year, I’ve come to wonder how we would fair if the dead returned to the world of the living.

Sure, this is far from being a healthy exercise, but I decided to be a teacher in America while DeVos was running the Department of Education into a brick wall. Let’s just say I’m used to being beaten up by a gang of freaks, and I’m still here, so clearly, I’m doing something right.

Ah, it seems that we’re losing the thread on this one, aren’t we, folks? Well, that’s far from being a surprise.

Indeed. My thoughts are scattered beyond repair, but for the sake of finishing this screed, let’s just go on the assumption that some form of sanity remains.

So, would we have a chance against the undead? While it may seem like a ridiculous question, it has merit. After all, was humanity prepared for the Black Death, Spanish Flu, or Covid-19? All of these could be accused of seeming ridiculous in their respective times. With how we’ve handled pandemics in the past, I don’t like our chances. We’re still struggling to gain ground with this latest virus, and through our collective ignorance, we’ve allowed numerous variants to come into existence.

The United States would most likely be the first to fall if there was a disease that reanimated the dead. Ours is a nation divided, a people unable to find common ground in any conflict we face—whether it be fighting homelessness, the opioid epidemic, or protection our elections from foreign interference—I’m looking at you, 2016.

We won’t believe doctors, but some crackpot on social media is seen as an expert based on opinion alone.

No, folks, I truly don’t believe we would survive. Even if doctors made a breakthrough, discovering a vaccine to prevent this imagined zombie virus, it wouldn’t be enough to save us. We’d have millions crying out that it was against their civil rights, all the while, the world would be crumbling around them.

Covid-19 has revealed a great deal about our national character hasn’t it, readers? We have millions willing to die, and to take others with them, all for what? A win against the government? Sure, and these are the people who believe the last guy was the greatest president in the history of our nation (by the way, he got vaccinated).

In the end, we are already in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. We’re fighting for survival against a horde of moaning, unthinking, vicious beings. Sure, they won’t eat your brain, but you better believe they’ll overwhelm it with all the infectious nonsense they obtained from Fox News.